Michael Jackson....

So who hasn't heard the news today of Michael Jackson's death? Here's several ways I've heard it.

While at work, I received a text message from my sister: "This is a horrible day. MJ had a heart attack."

So I think, okay, "MJ" has to be Michael Jordan or Michael Jackson, but because my sister is a Michael Jackson fan (more like idolizes him), I think it's safe to go that route. I'm thinking it has to be minor and the press is making way too big of a deal out of it so I texted her back, saying, we will hopefully see tonight how serious it really is. To that, my sister replied, "He was in cardiac arrest." Of course, with that said, I know it was serious and most likely he could not have much longer to live. A few minutes later, I get another text from my sister, "This is officially the worst day of my life. MJ died." I asked if she was crying and she says "Duh." Don't tell her, but I'm sending her a "I'm sorry for your loss" card in the mail. Maybe I'm making too light of this situation...


Then I go into the nurses station and find out that one of my patients called out, but didn't need anything. She just announced loudly over the speaker, "I don't need anything, but I want you guys to know that Michael Jackson died." Talk about an announcement!

But, if anything, I hope that this teaches my sister she needs to be more conscious aout what she eats, especially since we had a long line of heart disease on one side of the family. She's the only one in my family that eats junkfood all the time. She's the queen of junkfood. We've been trying to get her to eat healthier, but to no avail. Maybe Michael Jackson can get through to her since he's no longer moonwalking the stages?

Suffering...

Yesterday was the last day of my 11 workdays stretch and while I could complain about things that happened, I can't because I am reminded that it's not worth complaining about.

I had 3 patients to start with when I came in the morning. When I got to report on my first guy, it was pretty obvious from the report sheet that he was actively dying. We were no longer drawing labs, doing accuchecks, and no resuscitation was to be performed if he desatted or went into cardiac arrest. In other words, comfort care only.

When I walked in, I was almost horrified by the sound I heard before seeing the patient. He sounded like he was drowning in his own body. It broke my heart because no one deserves to suffer like that while dying. I suctioned as much as I could and he got the scopolamine patch (it helps decrease the secretions), but it wasn't helping. I gave him pain medicine when I felt it was needed as the octor ordered, but the horrible sound did not go away.

By the afternoon, his wife came and she lost it. I feel so bad for her. I think she was more disturbed by the sound of him suffering and didn't want him to die that way. Driven more by this wife's sadness, I talked to the doctor and he increased the pain medicine. After I gave it to him, it only took 30 minutes for his breathing to quiet. He no longer sounded like he was drowning, yet his oxygen saturation remained the same. Finally, he face looked relaxed, his body wasn't tensed up, and he looked peaceful as one should before he pass. Four hours later, I gave report to the oncoming nurse and bid my goodbye to his wife. His wife thanked me over and over for making him as comfortable as I could and for all I have done to take care of him that day.

While I am looking forward to a relaxing 3 day weekend, I know some won't have that and I can only pray that they can find the strength and comfort they need in God.

I can do it...

I am currently completing an eleven workday period. Yes, I know. 11 days straight of working? I don't know how I am surviving, but between my two jobs, they definitely help change the pace up a little bit. I just finished day #9 so I am definitely seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

But, when Saturday comes, I will not be hitting that alarm clock in the morning and I look forward to it!

Handwashing

While escorting my fifty year old male patient to the restroom and back to bed, I noticed he started walking back to the bed, passing the sink without using it. I stopped him and told him, "Wash your hands," not giving him any options but to do so. I was standing in the way so he couldn't go anywhere but the restroom or the sink. Of course, he asked, "What?" I just repeated my statement.

That was all it took to motivate him to get some soap in his hands and wash them. Upon completing the simple task, he turned to me and asked,

"Do I have to do that everytime now?"

That's all?

This past week, I went up to Wichita to accompany my grandma to her oncology appointment. On Thursday, my grandparents and I went in for the jam packed hour appointment with the oncologist. I understood pretty much everything going on, my grandma understood about 75% of what's going on, my poor grandpa- everything flew over his head. He gets confused easily now thanks to the combination of his back pain and the pain medicine he is on. The part he didn't get is why the doctor didn't come in and say, "We're going to do this and this is when we're going to do it." He probably asked us 10 times after the appointment why that didn't happen. Well, things change.

I took notes of everything the doctor had said during the appointment. When we returned to my grandparents, I typed it out and forwarded it to my grandparents, parents, aunts, and uncles since we were all helping out while she goes for treatment. I told my grandma that I sent the email the next morning and she read it, but had one little question for me (keep in mind, she's an 81 year old women):

"I read the part where the doctor said there's an average life expecancy of 5-10 years in healthy individuals. That's all?"

Of course, I started laughing a little and said, "Well, if you add 10 years to your age now, you'd be 91 years old. That's pretty good!"

I think my Grandma believes she's going to live forever, but you know, maybe it isn't a bad thing to believe in. She lives her life to its fullest and if the belief helps her do that, then so be it. At least, when she does pass away, she will have lived her life to its fullest.

Update on my grandma...

I heard from my parents tonight and we got the pathology reports back from the lymph nodes and the tumor they removed in the surgery on Monday. Prior to surgery, the doctor's discovered from one of her scans that her lymph nodes are swollen. I suspected that it was no longer Stage 2, but now Stage 3 colon cancer, and that's exactly what the pathology report shows. The only people that weren't surprised where me and my parents because they were the only people I told my "hunch" to. However, because it is a Stage 3c (early stage 3 otherwise known), there is a 75-80% of recovery with treatment. In 2 weeks, she will follow up with the surgeon and they will refer her to an oncologist then. She will most likely start chemo in 4-6 weeks after she has recovered from her surgery.

My grandma is up walking, talking, and getting back to being herself. She is expected to be home by the end of this week. Hopefully, all things will continue to go well...

Robbery

Tonight, I decided to finally go through the Mount Everest sized pile of mail I had waiting for me when I returned yesterday. A weeks' worth of mail certainly adds up! I miss the good old days when you were excited about getting mail and never getting bills!

Anyways, going through my stack of mail, I noticed one from my condo association. In the mail was a newsletter that they're not always good about putting out. They say they do it quarterly but we only get them once a year usually. I started reading this newsletter and plastered across it was news about a robbery that happened in our neighborhood recently. A Robbery??? Who would have thought my tiny neighborhood would be affected by this type of crime? When I moved in, I decided to nix the idea of getting an alarm system because we are a townhome community. If someone was going to get robbed, one of my neighbors were going to hear it through the wall! My grandma even tried to unsuccessfully get me to invest in a taser gun after getting on herself!

I still find it ironic how life can change so fast. One minute I felt so safe in my little townhome and the next, I am looking at alarm companies, trying to decide who to go with. Maybe I should invest in a taser gun like my grandma did...

Hola again

Just returned from Mexico a few hours ago and I already want to go back!

It was a wonderful time spent with family and I loved it! The weather was wonderful and the food was even better (although I have a few unwanted pounds to shed now probably!) Too bad St. Louis isn't warm yet! It would certainly make it easier to return!

My grandma

Last night, I received a phone call from my parents while in the middle of shopping in Target and received the news that my grandma has colon cancer. I knew she wasn't feeling well and was (trying to) preparing myself for this moment, but it turns out you can't really prepare yourself.

I cried for a minute and then called to talk to her personally. I have to say that she is so lucky (potentially) because it was found early (so early that she may not even have chemo). She will be getting a laproscopic cholectomy in two weeks in which they will not only remove the section of the colon where the tumor resides, but taking some lymph nodes around the area as well to see if there's any cancerous cells. After that, they will be able to stage the cancer apropriately and determine whether they need to go forward with chemo based on if it's in the lymph nodes.

In the meantime, she holding up pretty well with this new diagnosis. My stepmom (who I think is amazing for doing this) is planning to go to Kansas and spend the 3 weeks with my grandparents while she gets the surgery done and recovers. My grandma is also the caregiver for my grandpa so it definitely takes some load off of them while my grandma recuperates.

In the meantime, keep her and my family in your prayers for God's comfort and strength as we deal with this day by day...

Valentine's Day

For Valentine's Day, I got talked into working extra for a bonus for 8 hours and so I did. At least my paycheck will look nice!

When I got off, I met up with a friend and one of her college friends at a bar in Clayton called Kilkenny's. Little did I know, they were having an "Anti-Valentine's Day" party. Now, while I'm not all excited about Valentine's Day, I do think the day helps remind us about the love we have in our lives whether amongst family or significant other.

Since I have been up at 5 on Saturday, I was ready to go home close to 1 AM on Sunday when this guy pops up and sits in the booth with me and the girls right across from me. Now, I have to refer to him as THE GUY because I forgot his name about 3 seconds after he told me. I have to admit, THE GUY did have a personality and was funny, but I was more than ready to go home and being the driver, I knew I wouldn't last much longer. Then THE GUY tries to end up making a conversation. It went along the lines of this:

"Where do you work?"
"I work as a nurse at Barnes."
"Where?"
"At Barnes."
"You're a nurse at a bar?"

Uhhhh...what kind of bar would hire a nurse? I think they would be hiring EMT's before nurses! Fast forward a few minutes later when he proceeds to ask me another question:

"Are you Irish?"
"Why?"
"You have really red hair."

The first thought that came into my mind was "Are you drunk?" While I have red tints in my brown hair, it's definitely not IRISH RED!

I think I would have been good with just chocolates and movies at home...

I've lost my mind...

You ever have one of those days where you just feel like you've lost your mind and you're in search of it? I had one of those days yesterday, except it didn't start until about 7ish.

Last night, I got home from work and was sitting here at my computer when all of a sudden, out of the blue, I could not remember how old I was. I'm serious. I was going back and forth bewtween 24 and 25 when finally, I had to mathematically figure it out from the year it is and the year I was born...ON PAPER. When I did figure it out that I was 25, I started freaking out that I was old, closer to 30 then 20. I didn't freak out like this the day I turned 25. After a few minutes, I finally gave up and started laughing at myself.

About 10:30, I was doing some dishes before I headed to bed. I was in my pj's and my entire house was dark except for my kitchen when I thought I heard the doorbell. If you've been in my house, you would know that if you stand at the kitchen sink, you can see the door and the windows in the door. Being me, I freaked out and quickly dropped to the floor. Like nobody saw me, right? It could have been a rapist and for all I know, he already saw me cause of the windows in my door. After sitting on the floor a minute and laughing at myself again, I got up and saw there was nobody at the door. I probably ended up making some noise that resembled the doorbell. Who knows?

Needless to say, it was quite a day yesterday.

"You have an accent..."

Satruday morning, I went into a patient's room to do my assessment and the first thing my patient said was, "You're from Bosnia." Now if you know me pretty well, if I didn't sleep well the night before, it takes me a long time to wake up. Unfortunately, I was still trying to wake up so I was short and to the point with her. This is how the conversation went:

"No."
"Well, you're not from here. Where are you from?"
"The United States"
"Well, you have an accent."
"I sound different because I wear hearing aids."

Thanks, I think. Too bad my "accent" wasn't cool enough to be from England or Australia! That would've made my day...haha

Merry Christmas to us...

Talk about a wonderful Christmas gift...

The hospital I work at always gives the staff a Christmas gift, but it is ALWAYS a bag. It is a different type everytime. Last year, we got a messenger bag and this year, a duffel bag. Seriously, how many bags can I have with our hospital logo on it. I end up having to get rid of these bags sometimes because how many does a person really need???

Then today, the nurses and the techs on my floor received probably one of the best gifts I think we could receive. It made me realize how much this hospital really appreciates its nurses and techs. I came into work today and found out that because of budget cuts, they are eliminating the number of techs we need...effective that same moment. So without warning, I was thrown into having my usual four patients with one being a primary. This means doing vitals, tracking I/O's, weights, bed changes, baths, etc. Lucky me, I ended up with two total patients like I had been for the last two weeks and one of them a primary. Who the heck assigns a total patient as a primary??? I didn't last until 11. I broke down then. Of course, I sucked it up after a few moments and went back out there.

It's not the changes I am mad about, but the fact that we had no warning about what was going on. What does that say about management??? My floor was recognized in 2007 for being in the top 10% nationally for the best patient satisfaction scores. We haven't even finished our first day and quite a few patients voiced their concerns over it. There goes our scores...

But now, I am seriously considering my options in nursing at this time. I am looking into getting my masters next fall and what I want to do 10 years from now. I guess if anything good came out of this, I am reevaluating what I want to do in my future...

Ouch...

Last night, my sister was calling my cell and since I had it across my loft while doing a workout video, I had to run over to get it. Of course, I wasn't careful and ran right into a chair and stubbed my toe.

This morning, I woke up and it's black and blue and swollen. Yeah, I definitely broke it...again.

I am a walking disaster sometimes...

Jekyll and Hyde

For the last 3 weeks, I have had this same middle aged woman as part of my team. She's really a sweet woman...or so I thought. The other day I came in and people were talking about how she went off the day before. I thought she was just upset, but apparently, when she gets upset, she gets really upset FAST. Apparently, she was throwing things, cussing out the staff, etc. But then an hour later, she was fine and back to her sweet self. That wasn't the only episode. It seems to happen whenever things didn't go her way.

I had her yesterday and all went well. I didn't see this side of her yet despite having her for 3 weeks...until this morning. I came in this morning and was doing my assessment on her when she started getting mad at me for making her wait for her breakfast. "Okay, I should be more respectful of her and having to spend 24/7 in the hospital for a month." That's what I thought and I let it slide. Then 30 minutes later, a transporter arrived to take her to get her panorex (an x-ray of your jaw) done for her transplant work-up. I went into her room to let her know that transporters were there to take her down but we could schedule it later if she'd like. She turned a complete 180! She started yelling at me, "Why should I be doing this?", "I hate it here.", etc. She started throwing things from her bedside tray like her breakfast tray onto the floor. I reminded her that we could get the test done later. But she refused to have it done later. As I reached down to unplug her IV pump from the electrical outlet, she took her IV pole and shoved it towards me with such force. Had I not been watching what she was doing and getting out of the way in time, my head would have stitches right now. Needless to say, I did NOT like having my safety compromised because of her attitude. Amazingly, I kept calm and unplugged her pump, but I had to walk out of the room without helping her to the wheelchair to keep my cool. I promise that she was strong enough to step in the wheelchair by herself otherwise, I would have probably stayed in there to make sure she got in okay. Once she came back, se acted like she was having the best morning ever. I don't think we even need a psychiatrist to say she's bipolar...

Speaking of psychiatrists, we put in a consult for her this morning and he came by tonight. He was asking me what was going on with her. I told him what happened that morning with the test and he goes, "It sounds like she's frustrated." Bullcrap. Frustrated?!?! Yeah, our patients who are normally frustrated talk about instead of getting violent and putting our own safety at risk! I lost repect for that psychiatrist after he said that.

I was giving report to a nurse tonight who was picking her up. I described what happened this morning and the first thing she asked was, "Is she a Gemini?" I was like "What???" What does being a Gemini has to do with it? The nurses explained that Geminis' represent these twin Greek Gods that had opposite personalities, thus, it is found that Geminis may have split personalities. Of course, I started laughing. i don't believe in astrology usually, but this had my patient down to a "T." Amazing...

I love the smell of new furniture...

Today my new loft furniture was delivered...a new oversized chair with an ottoman and a leaning desk with bookshelves. Needless to say, I love my new loft now. I just need to paint it now! Here's a picture of my dad and Tory trying out the new furniture after we set it all up!



In an attempt earlier to share my excitement of the new furniture ealier this evening with my sister and brother via picture on my cellphone, my excitement quickly ended. My sister became mad that my grandparents went out of their way to help me buy this furniture and was upset. Instead of going to them, she took it out on me and from there, a big fight ensued. It's hard to be reasonable with a 20 year old when they keep hanging up on you depite being calm, etc. How do you argue fairly with that kind of behavior? It just shows me how much growing up she still needs to do. Regardless, this whole fight with her has really left me depressed. I was going to spend the rest of the night studying for a big test Monday, but how can you study when you're depressed and after a big fight like that?

I love my sister, but I cannot stand how we keep drifting apart more each year. I am so tired of all this drama. So tired.

Voters need to be educated before they vote!

Apparently, this man is going to be our president for the next four years. I think my television will be off for the next four years now that his face will be plastered all over CNN and newschannels.

What gets to me is how people keeps saying he's the first black president of the United States. Hello, do these people have even half of a brain? He's half white and half african-american. I don't believe it's politically correct to say that he's the first african american president of the United States. The politcally correct term? He will be the first multiracial president of the United States. Period.

We all know that Obama lives in a multimillion dollar home and makes more than enough money each year between him and his wife. So when he says he wants to raise taxes for people making over 250,000 a year, what is he thinking??? I know nobody likes paying taxes and does he really want to be paying more in taxes for those living off of welfare and too lazy to get up and work?

There's another thing that gets to me and trust me, I couldn't stand history through my school years, but I learned just enough to understand how the whole government works (barely though). If we want changes with the economy, health care, etc, we need to choose our senators wisely because they are the ones that passes or rejects a law.

If there is anything good coming out of this election, my sister, who has been pondering what to do after college despite a double major in comparative studies in political science and international relations has decided that she is going to go to law school and become a politician herself. She had the most compassion of anyone I know for politics prior to this election craziness and I know she will have that compassion when she goes into law school and then politics.

In the meantime, may these next four years fly by...

Sometimes you don't get a break...

It seems like the younger crowd has been requesting me lately. I don't mind on one hand because they are definitely much more lively than some and their endurance amazes me. But I tend to get attached to them easier.

I can think of several movies, such as "Dying Young," based on a couple dating and one has cancer and ultimately ends up dying. I feel like I stepped into one of these movies with the youngest patient I've had on this floor. His girlfriend has been absolutely beyond amazing. Since he has relapsed almost a month ago, she has been at his bedside with his parents. You can tell this couple are so in love and enjoy each others' company.

After having this patient for 3 weeks, we had to send him home on hospice yesterday to fulfill his father's promise that he would go home whether in remission or not. Though it absolutely swamped me with it being on a weekend, it was worth hearing his dad was able to fulfill his promise to his son.

This week has been emotionally exhausting, having a 21 year old patient pass away n Monday and an 18 year old go home on hospice yesterday. Maybe when I return on Thursday, I'll have a break?

What do you say?

I am often reminded of something a patient's husband said when she passed away: "I have never felt so much peace and heartache at the same time."

Even though I have been in oncology nursing for over 2 years now, I still cannot say I know what to say when a family loses their loved ones. Each family is unique and grieves in its own way.

Rest in peace, Amber. You are already missed by so many...

What a weekend!

On Friday, I drove up to Lerna, IL to visit a former roommate of mine. I had such a good time remembering senior year and the hell we're not in anymore (nursing school). She is in the process of remodeling her house with her husband and it looks wonderful so far! I think she needs to come and decorate my house when she's done with hers! ;-) Thanks for the wonderful visit Tricia and Nathan!

On Saturday, I went to Amber and Jason's wedding in Hazel Dell, IL. It was such a beautiful wedding! The bride was so beautiful! The reception was beautiful as well- it was on Jason's family property with a lake and all. There were tents set up as well as 3 separate bonfires by the lake to keep warm throughout the night. It was definitely not like any other reception I've been to! Definitely a good night!




I came home today and I pulled into my neighborhood. As I am driving in, I saw one of my neighbors also decorated for Halloween by putting a scarecrow and a wreath made of autumn leaves out. As I pull closer, I realized it's my house! The scarecrow and the autumn leave wreath was joining my little bale of hay and pumpkin that were already on my porch! I knew my parents did it for me. As I pull around the back of my complex to get to my garage, I realize there's this bright green bucket sitting in someone's lawn. As I get closer and closer, I realize it's in MY yard. Then I saw plants galore. My parents were getting my garden set up for me! :-) That's not all either. I proceed to open my garage door to pull my car in and let's just say my car never made it in. My mouth dropped open. My bike that I have not ridden in 10 years is hanging on the ceiling and I have two large shelves (very much needed!) hanging in my garage! I was absolutely floored. After a minute of standing there speechless, my parents pulled up to my driveway and surprised me. Needless to say, this was a wonderful surprise! My house looks so beautiful on the outside now! I just need to work on the inside now...